The first part of making a huge life change is the initial mix of nerves, anxiety, and excitement. Depending on the magnitude of this change, the feeling can last anywhere from one day to a week to a month. Feeling nervous and excited is amazing, you feel alive and it feels like you're seeing everything for the first time (probably because you actually are being exposed to so many things in such a short amount of time), and it feels like you're looking through a new set of eyes. But like anything else in life, you become used to routine and what once seemed so new and eye-catching is now just a backdrop to your daily life. I'm sure you can think of a few different places in your life where you can apply this concept - the first one I can think of is when you meet someone and fall in love. The "honeymoon" phase - where you are so overwhelmed by the total bliss of falling in love, and your person's little quirks are so cute and not completely annoying yet. Well, the honeymoon phase ends and it's up to you to maintain that special feeling that you can't quite put your finger on.
And the honeymoon ends for any new, exciting experience. When I first decided to leave Delaware and head to New York City, I was terrified. I was nervous about what people would think and I was nervous that I would regret my decision. I was worried about all the people I was leaving behind and I was just anxious in general. I think anyone would be scared of the future when making such a huge decision. But as I said, nerves are usually good. It means you care. And being the cornball that I am, there's a quote that really helped me through this initial phase of pure anxiety (along with a little white wine..). It goes like this: "Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free." And this was true. I feel free in New York. I feel like I'm getting a taste of a world that is so much bigger than I realized. And this initial feeling of freedom, and exploration, and sweet confusion and just overall newness lasted a few weeks. Learning the subway routes and getting used to being a commuter. Being the person who gives other people directions instead of asking for them. There are a lot of subtle things that changed and then all of a sudden, I was somewhat of a "New Yorker". And I use that term in a very broad sense.
So, it's been two months since I've been here and though I still feel like I'm kind of living in this amazing fantasy land, there's definitely a sense of comfort and familiarity. What I've noticed is that the more comfortable and familiar I become with the city, the more I notice things that my cloud of early excitement covered up. For example, New York can be a very lonely place. If you don't live here or work here, you might wonder how that could possibly be. There are millions of people and buildings and everything you could ever need. It's hard to find yourself physically alone and isolated. But for me, this is what makes loneliness such a loud emotion that's hard to ignore. It's seeing those couples who are ridiculously in love and holding hands on the subway, and it's seeing the groups of men in suits meeting up with their coworkers for a drink after work on a Friday. I think I become most lonely when I see how not lonely everyone else is.
Without a doubt, one of the best and most important parts of growing up is discovering who you really. And I think this is something that has to happen when you're alone, without another person's influence shaping your opinions or goals or desires. I've learned more about myself in the past two months than I've learned in the sum of my life before I came to New York. I've gotten to know myself as someone without a boyfriend. I've realized what it is that I (just me, one single unit) want out of life - from my career to what I want in a boyfriend to what matters in a friend. I don't think this personal growth would've occurred unless I spent some alone time with myself. It's terrifying to imagine who I would've turned out to be if I always had a boyfriend. I've learned that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. And I know it's possible to be alone and not be lonely because I've felt it many times since I've gotten to New York. Those moments when you realize you enjoy your own company and don't need someone else with you to validate the significance of that moment. But sometimes life can just be plain lonely, so I remind myself that it's only temporary. "Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony." Douglas Coupland
And on that note, happy Friday from a random Starbucks in New York.
And the honeymoon ends for any new, exciting experience. When I first decided to leave Delaware and head to New York City, I was terrified. I was nervous about what people would think and I was nervous that I would regret my decision. I was worried about all the people I was leaving behind and I was just anxious in general. I think anyone would be scared of the future when making such a huge decision. But as I said, nerves are usually good. It means you care. And being the cornball that I am, there's a quote that really helped me through this initial phase of pure anxiety (along with a little white wine..). It goes like this: "Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free." And this was true. I feel free in New York. I feel like I'm getting a taste of a world that is so much bigger than I realized. And this initial feeling of freedom, and exploration, and sweet confusion and just overall newness lasted a few weeks. Learning the subway routes and getting used to being a commuter. Being the person who gives other people directions instead of asking for them. There are a lot of subtle things that changed and then all of a sudden, I was somewhat of a "New Yorker". And I use that term in a very broad sense.
So, it's been two months since I've been here and though I still feel like I'm kind of living in this amazing fantasy land, there's definitely a sense of comfort and familiarity. What I've noticed is that the more comfortable and familiar I become with the city, the more I notice things that my cloud of early excitement covered up. For example, New York can be a very lonely place. If you don't live here or work here, you might wonder how that could possibly be. There are millions of people and buildings and everything you could ever need. It's hard to find yourself physically alone and isolated. But for me, this is what makes loneliness such a loud emotion that's hard to ignore. It's seeing those couples who are ridiculously in love and holding hands on the subway, and it's seeing the groups of men in suits meeting up with their coworkers for a drink after work on a Friday. I think I become most lonely when I see how not lonely everyone else is.
Without a doubt, one of the best and most important parts of growing up is discovering who you really. And I think this is something that has to happen when you're alone, without another person's influence shaping your opinions or goals or desires. I've learned more about myself in the past two months than I've learned in the sum of my life before I came to New York. I've gotten to know myself as someone without a boyfriend. I've realized what it is that I (just me, one single unit) want out of life - from my career to what I want in a boyfriend to what matters in a friend. I don't think this personal growth would've occurred unless I spent some alone time with myself. It's terrifying to imagine who I would've turned out to be if I always had a boyfriend. I've learned that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. And I know it's possible to be alone and not be lonely because I've felt it many times since I've gotten to New York. Those moments when you realize you enjoy your own company and don't need someone else with you to validate the significance of that moment. But sometimes life can just be plain lonely, so I remind myself that it's only temporary. "Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony." Douglas Coupland
And on that note, happy Friday from a random Starbucks in New York.